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If you listen to certain overzealous health gurus, your body is a shallow pond where scum has been accumulating for years. Hard metals, arsenic, and plastics or phenols are all lounging around your body's organ tissue like a pack of delinquents huffing aerosol behind a convenience store. The only solution? Detox products that'll have those shiftless, huffing ne'erdowells scaterring like the cops just rolled up. Ultimately leaving your convenience store clean. And convenient. But Officer Detox is on the take. He ain't clean, see. He's dirty. Dirty I tells ya! Get wise! Okay, I'm over this analogy. But a lot of detox products and promises are grade A bullsh*t and the only thing they're guaranteed to free you of is your cash. Now that's not to say that occasionally cutting back on excess is a bad thing but a miracle pill or smoothie is probably not gonna do much. And it may even hurt.

Case in point, Embrace Pangaea has recently taken some heat from gynecologists for offering Herbal Womb Detox Pearls. Their patented perfumed "pearls" promise deep a cleansing of your vagina and womb leaving both fresh and new thanks to the power of... herbs. Assuming you have a vagina and an adjoining womb. Unsurprisingly, doctors are incredulous. Not only are the pearls likely useless, they can cause severe infections like Toxic Shock Syndrome which btw, is potentially fatal. It's also worth noting that the pearl kits start at $85 and can go all the way up to $485 depending on how much womb detox Pangaea convinces you you need to do.

While the marketing of detox products does seems to be squarely aimed at women, men also still fall prey.
Directly or indirectly: "Honey, put down that beer, we're doing a detox this month. No gluten, remember?". Yes, it's unfair to generalize but you'll have to accept it as a universal truth for the next 30 seconds until you finish this article. Because the generalization is useful to me right now. Life hard. Now to be fair, "detoxing", for men and women, can be done by limiting intake of unhealthy stuff and increasing your intake of healthy stuff. But that's only because you're helping your liver do it's job by giving it the nutrients it needs. That's not detox folks, that's you helping your body work properly. Again, the only thing you'll be getting rid of with seemingly magic detox products that promise to offer a panacea of physical health is a percentage of your paycheque. Unless you're a shiftless, huffing ne'erdowell in which case you probably sold some stolen stuff for that cash. Regardless, definitely don't put detox pearl balls inside you.

I talk all about it on Today's News House.

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